Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Day 11

This is what I feel like... 

I called Nick a week after we broke up to talk. I was hurting. I was barely eating, I was walking around in a daze. I felt awful and miserable about myself, trying to figure out what I could have done differently to make him want to be with me more. That's when he elaborated on our breakup conversation. 

It wasn't just that he didn't want to take the CA bar exam. Or that he was afraid of not finding a job in CA immediately. Or just that he wanted to find a job in NJ (which he hasn't started looking for yet) first and to focus the rest of his energy on his script.

He told me that while I'm the best girl he's ever met, and likely the best girl he will likely ever meet, he wanted to go to bars and hit on girls. That he already found himself doing that every time he went out (which was at least weekly) and that it was only a matter of time before it went anywhere. That even though he knew I was the right girl for him, he didn't want to wait a year or possibly two before we can be together.

That made me angry. To think that I've spent the past 6 months or so staying home or hanging out with only a few old friends, rather than going out and meeting lots of new people while he's been going out and hitting on however many girls for however many months... and that while I've been at home, I've been doing all sorts of cute stuff for him to make him feel loved and appreciated. What a jerk!

This is the boy who broke down all my barriers. Who made me put aside all my commitment fears and anxieties and who made me want a future with him. And he broke up with me so that he can get rejected by girls he tries to pick up at bars? Because he doesn't want to either (1) put in the effort to get himself to LA even though it's a town he *loves* and where he needs to live if he's serious about being a tv show or movie writer, or (2) do the long distance thing for a year or two until we get engaged/married and I can move back to NJ.

And on top of all that, he has the balls to text me this morning with this message: 'I miss you. I want you more than i've ever wanted anyone. Thats the truest, realist thing that i know.' <-- Why continue to do this to me?

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