Friday, March 2, 2012

A letter to the ghost of love past

Dear Nick,

A year ago, I was heartbroken. Barely able to force myself to take a few sips of water, let alone eat any actual food. I couldn't sleep. I would fluctuate between feeling angry and breaking down into tears every few minutes. I could not imagine what my life was going to look like since I had finally committed myself to one future with one person. With you.

In another 2 days (from one year ago), I would talk to you again and clarify the reasons you wanted to break up with me. Because you found yourself talking to any girl who would smile at you and it was 'only a matter of time before something happened with one of them.' Great, classy guy.

In another 4 days (from one year ago), I would go out with Gwen and a bunch of her friends to celebrate us completing the CA bar exam. Once at the karaoke bar, a certain 32 year old screen writer from Long Island would spend the entire time talking to me, get my number, and then spend the next month and a half trying to get to me commit to a relationship with him.

And so began my (almost) year of single-hood. I went on many dates during that period and kissed many frogs. I was not searching for love-- just trying to put back together my smashed heart. I spent most of the time feeling angry and resentful. I tried to cultivate my female relationships as much as I could (though I've always been awful at it). I tried to reconnect with my family more.

As cliched as it probably sounds, I was pretty happy being single. Doing the things that I wanted. Going where I wanted. Spending time with whomever I wanted. Not having to worry about the repercussions of my actions on a significant other. It was a very selfish time period and I ended up hurting the feelings of three good men, despite repeated warnings that (1) I was still recovering from heartbreak, (2) I did not want a relationship at the time, and (3) I was not going to want a relationship in the future, either.

And then I started writing to a man on a dating site. Who kept sounding better and better in each of his messages. Who I eventually met for coffee in my favorite place in LA and who turned out to be exactly the way I hoped he would be from his messages.

I very much was not looking for love when I started writing to him. I certainly wasn't looking for love when I first met him for coffee. Had I known what would result from those simple actions, I'm not 100% sure I would have reached out and taken those first steps. I wasn't ready for love then. I'm not completely sure I'm ready for love now.

I do feel that he is supposed to be my person. And I want to be his.

One year ago, I thought that you had ended my future when we broke up. I could not imagine what I would do or who I would be without loving you.

Today, I am so grateful to have lost myself so completely when dating you because it forced me to reevaluate my life, my interests, and my expectations over this past year. It forced me to be a complete person, one with both positive and negative traits. It forced me to start listening and acting upon my own desire. While this past year was... challenging, I'm grateful for it because it honed who I am today. And it prepared me for a real, balanced, and mutually supportive romantic relationship.

So thank you, Nick, for breaking my heart so completely back in February of 2011. I'm happy to say that I'm doing pretty alright.

I hope you find your happiness, too.

I hope you find your true love, too.

Whatever you decide to do, please, please, please, break up with Angela if you're not in love with her. It's not fair to keep stringing her along when she so clearly loves you. As much as it would hurt to have her heart broken, it's better to struggle through that and heal than to continue to love a man who doesn't love you back. Trust me on this one.