I've taken a much needed break from this space the past few weeks to sort a number of things out.
I flew back to New Jersey two weeks ago because a dear friend of my beloved passed away from a brain tumor. He was only 28 years old. They buried him one year after he and his wife were married. Nick took the news really hard (as did the rest of his friends) and I flew out there as soon as I reasonably* could to help ease him from the pain. He had a hard week from the time he found out about the death until they buried him a few days later. Knowing that I was coming to visit helped. By the time I got there, he was feeling much better and we spent a wonderful 6 days together.
Visiting New Jersey just confirmed how much I miss living there and how unhappy I am here in California. I moved here. I tried it out for two months. But it's just not working out. Being close to family isn't enough to make me happy and I desperately want to move back home.
I found out on Friday that I failed the California bar exam. I was devastated when I found out. I cried for hours. I still feel melancholy knowing how hard I worked to prepare for that exam. I was pretty ready to sign up to take it again and to sign up for a course right here until all my friends told me what I knew was true-- that I shouldn't just take this exam for the sake of taking it. That I should let it go and focus on the New Jersey bar exam since that is where I want to be. Not here. I very much do not want to be here.
This has been stewing in my mind for the past two days. I've slept poorly thinking about it. I've felt weighed down by this awful news and this major decision. For most of it, I've felt helpless.
I wish it hadn't turned out this way. I wish the path was easier. I wish I didn't have to confront my father and break his heart (and my own) to be happy. But I'm not happy here and I won't be happy until I stop doing what I know he wants me to do and start doing what I want to do.
So, I'm just focusing on the task at hand. I'm trying to keep my best interest in mind. I'm trying to own the consequences of my decision. I'm figuring out how to make this all work.
It's hard. But as Anirban keeps telling me, it's ok because it won't last forever. And it's ok for it to be painful and to cry and feel miserable. As long as I keep working towards my goal.
I've lost my knitting mojo and I'm a bit bummed out by that. But I have been looking through a number of beautiful blogs, which has very much helped to keep me going. So thank you to everyone helping me get through this, whether or not you know you're helping.